Hmmm, I didn’t realize Mathole was haring this hash…that must be why it was pouring out, right? But no. This time, our seasoned hare Smashmouth was at the helm of this freezing, rainy Sunday. The pack of 14 eagerly awaited their beloved hare in the parking lot of the Guilford train station, long past the start time, and we started wondering what may be keeping him. Did he forget about us? Did he get lost on his own trail? …a distinct possibility. Did he get entangled in some unforgiving “brambles”? Not quite.
From the Guilford Police Blotter, Sunday, 1/18/15: “A suspicious person complaint was investigated at 1:41pm. A man walking on Rte 146 towards Sachem’s Head (head, who said head?) was observed throwing white powder along the road side. Police determined the man was marking the road for a r*nning group.”
Let us pause for applause….
So Smashmouth finally shows up, covered in ‘white powder’ to find a group with hashers from New Haven, Groton, Skull and Boners, New York, and DC, eagerly awaiting his super-duper trail. Oh…and the rain stopped as soon as the drenched hare arrived too. We got more and more nervous as chalk talk went on…no boob checks, no dick checks, no song checks……NO BEER CHECKS. Upon hearing this, and as the taillights of the hare’s vehicle disappeared from sight, the pack split in two: The regular drunks and the super drunks.
The regular drunks, consisting of Tiajuana Donkey Fluffer, Back Tits McGee, Just Paulette, Master Hater, Marty McDie, Just Kate, Taint No Savior, Depantsipation Proclamation, and…Gay If It Suits Me? (Really GIISM?), took off after the ‘white powder’ marks. The super drunks, consisting of Tap That Teacher, Penis Fly Trap, Bitch Please, Just Sarah and Just Emily made their way straight to the closest dive bar…can’t remember the name and it’s too dive-y to even be listed on Google maps. Shortly after starting out, an exhausted Taint No Savior and Depantsipation Proclamation decided to join the super drunks, giving up on trail after 300 ft.
The regular drunks followed the hares’ marks carefully, going on an extended tour of historic downtown Guilford. The super drunks, having arrived at bar #1, hear a squeaky voice calling out “Wait, wait for me!” Just Kate , losing the trail as one is wont to do on a Smashmouth hash, blazed her own trail, unbeknownst right into the arms of the super drunks about to enter bar #1. After some quick pitchers, bar #2, Augur’s Pub, offered up some Irish hospitality, with Just Sarah reading to the group from a selection of books in the bar. I know, right? A hasher who can read….
Upon leaving the bar, Depantsipation Proclamation decided to jump over one of the myriad of puddles dotting the icy sidewalks, and down she went….cranium vs. pavement. Trooper that she is, she shook it off, nurse Penis checked her out for 1.2 milliseconds, and proclaimed her fine. Arriving back near the train station, a souped up-‘Fast and Furious’ type car pulls up, with TDF driving, and GIISM as passenger, off to look for Master Hater, who went missing some time earlier. GIISM jumped out, TTT jumped in, determined to short cut as much as possible.
Back at the station, the group left a sweet, thoughtful chalk message for Master Hater: “Master Hater. Take train back to New Haven”. After much use of technology, she was found wandering a few miles away, and rescued by TDF and his Batmobile.
The hashers all caravanned to the on-in, Smashmouth and Mrs. Smashmouth’s lake home; the hashers were surprised we were let inside at all! Circle was held in the kitchen, around the island, and down downs were awarded to: DFL – Cunt for Red Cocktober…who missed trail entirely, FRB - Back Tits or Marty…same thing. Auto-haring – GIISM, TTT, and TDF. Shortcutting – Super Drunks, tech on trail, TTT (shocker, I know). Getting lost – Master Hater and Just Kate. I’m sure there were more, but the chili that Mrs. Smashmouth made for the hungry hashers must be clouding my brain…till next time…TTT
Hashers! You may be thinking to yourselves “Goddam DYD is a deadbeat, waiting to the last moment to release the top-secret address to Saturday’s Hash,” and I would have to agree with you and offer humble apologies, and then throw myself upon your merciful hearts when we make it to circle.
Breakfast in America Hash! Hares Don’tYouDare and Virgin Hare Will (a.k.a Stabby Stabby) will lay a delightfully wicked trail through Hamden where there will be our beloved paved surfaces as well as a smile-inducing amount of off road Hashing. No real shiggy to speak of, unless we can get your asses lost, and no poison ivy, which makes TTT damn near giddy. There will be Bacon-Infused Bourbon on trail, as well at Oatmeal Stout. Perhaps a bagel fight? You’ll have to Hash it to find out for sure. Oh, and there will be Big H3AD (winky). On Out is EARLY! 10:00 AM! And now for the details (if only to keep Back Tits at bay):
EVENT: Breakfast in America Hash
Date: Saturday, November 22nd
On Out: 10:00 AM, or 1000 for you Jarheads and Squids
Location: 41 Todd Street, Hamden CT 06518
Parking: In the Farmington Canal Trail lot, or nearby and walk the trail to Todd Street
Distance: About Four-ish miles
Strollerable: Nope, definitely not.
Hash Cash: $5.00 Cheap
New Shoes: Always strongly encouraged
This Saturday our own Tap That Teacher may be seen traipsing around the neighborhood of West Haven clad in nothing more than a diaphenous white schiff as she lays trail for our annual White Dress Hash – Winter is Cuming! While TTT is always game for the saucier side of White Dresses (think Victoria’s Secret collides with Billy Idol’s White Wedding) she has expressed concern of a cold Hash now that we’re into the early part of Novembrrrr, so White Dress accordingly. That’s right, skimpy rules the day, prudish attire drinks at Circle for being wusses. Let the Hash details begin!
WHERE? The far left of the parking lot near Jimmie’s at Savin Rock – 5 Rock Street, West Haven CT 06516.
DATE? Saturday, Novembrr 8th.
ON OUT? 2:00 PM Sharpish!
DRINK CHECKS? TWO! WooHoo!
HASH CASH? $5, Cheap!
STROLLERABLE /DOGABLE? Why do we even ask this?
SHIGGY? Maybe. Maybe not. It’s West Haven, fer cryin out loud.
ID NEEDED? Only if you want your corpse identified.
WHITE DRESSES? Not mandatory, but kinda desired if you want to be sexy.
Lastly, there’s a special treat for every Hasher wearing new shoes!
On On! DYD
On the anniversary of Pablo Picasso’s birth, the hash in New Haven this
Saturday will feature cubist perspectives, psychedelic foliage, breathtaking
views, precipitous views, modern art, classical art, obscene art, decadent
art, delicious beer, gratuitous wine & cheese, and a perfectly situated food
Following extremes of barometric pressure, the weather has finally decided
There will be a trail for hashers who would like to rampage through
approximately six miles of breathtaking beauty and a trail for hashers who
prefer only three miles of beauty.
Given the proximity to Halloween, costumes are not prohibited.
Note: Do not miss this hash unless you have one of the following conditions:
3. viagra or cialis overdose (see your doctor)
The details may be found in prior emails, but they are duplicated below for
DATE: SATURDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2014
TIME: 2:00 PM
ON-OUT: 1175 STATE ST, NEW HAVEN (PARK IN THE BACK-LEFT CORNER OF THE
ON-IN: BRING HASH CASH FOR FOOD TRUCK AND SECONDARY VENUES